There will be milk…everywhere
Let’s talk about breastfeeding. The momentous occasion where mother and child are supposed to come together in a sacred bond. Except for me, it was a wild hyena, blindly trying to locate the local watering hole in the middle of the night.
Before having your baby, you read all about breastfeeding and pumping. Words like “latching, nipple balm, shallow latch, wide latch,” etc., etc. become a part of your regular vocabulary. What no one tells you is that there will be milk…literally everywhere.
My milk came in the day we were leaving the hospital. I woke up and slowly rolled out of my hospital bed to take one last shower. When I looked in the mirror, the two giant coconuts staring back at me startled the living sh*t out of me. WHAT! You were not there yesterday…where did you come from?!
Ladies, when you see your engorged boobs for the first time, it is an experience in and of itself. It is like seeing two ripe summer melons that are not even connected to your body. Except that they are…and they hurt like hell.
It took a while for us to get into the groove. My hospital stay involved: (1) pumping, (2) supplementing with formula, (3) baby’s tongue tie removal, (4) nipple shields, and (5) numerous lactation consultants. Nothing like what you see in the movies…
Now, once you are home and tackling the “calm, serene journey of breastfeeding” from the comfort of your own home… shit hits the fan (now, I mean metaphorical shit, because actual shit will eventually hit your fan when you have an infant and that is a whole different ordeal).
Below is a timeline of a typical morning with a newborn:
6AM: Wake up because your boobs hurt. Sit up and realize that there are two watermelon-sized leak stains on your bed sheets. Ahh, crap.
6:15AM: Decide whether you should pump or breastfeed your infant. Peak in bassinet. Infant is asleep – I will pump.
6:20AM: Once all pumping gear is assembled (pumping bra, pump flange, tubes, bottles, etc.) begin pumping. Infant hears noise, smells milk, gets jealous, starts screaming.
6:22AM: Decide whether to stop pump session or grab pre-made bottle from refrigerator to feed said screaming infant.
6:23AM: Unplug pump and decide to breastfeed in hopes that the tiny human will calm down. Begin breastfeeding and infant falls asleep after 45 seconds.
6:24AM: Unlatch, remove nipple shield[1], remove Hakka pump[2], begin burping infant. Immediately notice warm sensation on stomach, legs, feet. Look down and realize that you are leaking all over yourself, your bed sheets and infant’s face. Grab a burp cloth to clean up milk.
6:26AM: Finally dry the puddles of milk, rinse out nipple shield and Hakka pump. Begin swaddling infant. Infant wakes up, fiercely opens eyes and mouth and begins furiously swaying head from left to right indicating signs of hunger. You have to be frickin’ kidding me.
6:28AM: Reassemble milk drainage apparatus on each breast and prepare to feed infant for round 2. Infant latches quickly and begins chomping on right nipple. Falls asleep again.
6:30AM: Repeat Steps 1-8.
By 10AM you have hopefully been able to feed your infant, who is most likely asleep…again. If you had a really successful morning, you will have also been able to change into a fresh postpartum diaper + pad and nursing bra with clean/dry nursing pads (warning – you will never be able to locate a dry nursing pad when you need one).
My suggestion – get a Costco membership. Go to Costco, make a beeline for the back right corner and locate the biggest box of Swiffer wipes you can find. You are going to need them, because those first few weeks, there will be white splotches of breastmilk covering your entire home.
With that being said, my journey was not smooth or serene by any means, but I am damn proud of what our new mama bods can do :). As long as the tiny human is happy, growing and thriving, I will take that wild hyena any day.
xo, Sara
[1] Small suction device slightly resembling a nipple banana peel. These are given to you at the hospital if your baby decides to bite your nipple, causing bruises/bleeding. For me, it was a godsend those first few weeks. Luckily the little guy has now weaned off of it and the nips are back to normal.
[2] A silicon milking apparatus that suction cups to your breast while you are feeding your infant on the opposite breast. Because, no one warned you that your milk ducts get jealous when you are feeding your child on the opposite breast and will leak like Niagra Falls in a thwarted attempt to seek your attention.
